I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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