You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
