I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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