she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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