Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
