Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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