Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
