I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
