im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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