my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
