i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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