I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I touched a dick in church today
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
