you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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