haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
