my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize