Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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