Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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