When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
