my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
