Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
