I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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