I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
