Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
