Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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