Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
foreskin is a definite game changer
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
