the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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