i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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