Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
