you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
