im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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