So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
