I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
