Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
