if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
