It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
