Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
