My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I could have mohawked her pubes.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
