I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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