Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
