the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
