Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
