I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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