Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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