Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
