i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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