Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
