Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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