Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
