Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
