when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
