Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
