Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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