Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
