also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
