Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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