Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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