Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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