help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
