i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
