Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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